Longing and Belonging

Dealing with being alone and facing my own longings is full of potholes and hurdles - especially in this world where we are dealing with Covid.  

Its not that I fear being alone - I just don't like it. I am not one of those made for a solitary existence. I am also not looking to replace what has been lost. There is no replacing Chance. He is at the heart of nearly everything I do or think about. I do not need a new mate. What I do need is some company. Company of other people who maybe share an interest in art, in writing...in walking, in dogs...in, umm LIFE. 

I am trying to get into better shape. I have been looking for another person to walk with for several weeks now. It sounds so simple, doesn't it? I like the idea of having someone else to walk with and talk with. So appealing. As a woman out walking on my own it is a challenge. Men can be such assholes to women - and if you are a man you might be surprised by some of the things other men have said to me while I am out on my own walking.

I walk my dogs - but dog walking is not the same. For starters, we don't have conversations unless you count me telling them to stay and not pull on the leash while I pick up their poop. Walking without stopping is not possible or very enjoyable for my dogs and what I need is a good old fashioned get going and straight ahead walk.

Belonging is a human need. It seems to be more challenging to find that place of belonging as we age. Particularly when family lives far away or are quite busy with their own lives. I don't have any answers here. I will keep swinging for the fences but it is not easy. 

My furry buddies.

Chance walking one of the dogs caught on Google Maps.

 Kisses and Sweet Talk

I found another yahoo chat today. The one where you told me you kissed me and talked to me in my sleep.  

This is what we had. This is what I am missing.  You spoiled me with your love and attention and that my man was ongoing and it was the glue in our relationship.  I would have done absolutely anything for you.  

I didn't have your quiet nature but you weren't looking for that. You told me early on you didn't want a partner who was shy. I was anything but. So the introvert finds the extrovert and they lived together happily.  

I was the rough to your smooth.  The boisterous to your retiring nature and you seemed to enjoy the contrast. You were the quarterback and the goal kicker and I was the linebacker and the blocker. We made it work for us.

I miss your hugs, I miss your soft touches and your heart.  I miss holding your hand every night as we went to sleep. We had such beauty here. No one would guess at what we had. 

 I was never really insane, except on occasions where my heart was touched... Edgar Allen Poe

Yep. I was pretty much insane from that moment we came together.  That never changed. 

I realize, especially from past relationships that included the marriage that proceeded our own that things tend to calm down and lose their sparkle as time marches on. That did not happen for me with you. 

My heart still went pitty-pat with you - not every day, but it certainly did in those moments we shared dancing to our song,  me hugging you from behind while you made Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner and you dragging me about the kitchen behind you patting my hands that were clasped around your middle. Sometimes I felt it while  watching you repair something in the garage or even just watching you sitting and reading. 

Forever crazy about you.